just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
