Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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