All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
