Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The best revenge is premature balding
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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