I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
