You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
