I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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