i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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