its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
