I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
