CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
