I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
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