JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
