i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
