i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
nutella sex= disaster
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize