my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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