70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
