why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
