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i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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