I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
