I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
