I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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