hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
