no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
