I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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