umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
