My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
