Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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