3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
