my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
