Can i not drive my cunt home
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
