So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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