Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
4 words: hood of his car
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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