My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
