I think scott just propositioned me for sex
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
