it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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