the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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