i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
