just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
