John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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