my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
