he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
