Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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