Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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