If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
