Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I have already put on my inside pants.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
