Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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