Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Also, beer. Big fan.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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