the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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