If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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