If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She tied me up with her honor cords...
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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