Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
