My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
zippers are such a cool invention
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize