addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
