eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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