and you said cock pushups were impossible
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
