I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i will never coherently bang her
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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