i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
